| Peaches! |
[17 Apr 2006|03:33am] |
It's late and I cant help but let my attention drift to the Tv. There's this show on about shop-a-holics, who are 20-30,000 $$ in debt because they just can't stop.
There's this one woman, I thought it was funny, her husband is on the screen talking right now about how he doesn't even get to pick out what he wears anymore. He just wakes up, 6:30 every morning, and his outfit is already hanging up for him to wear. He said he never argues or questions what his wife puts up there.. just puts it on, saying it's far easier and less trouble than arguing about it.
She buys him ties all the time. He had so many ties, he can go half a year without wearing one twice, but he didn't pick out any of them. That poor poor fuck.
There was something else... oh yeah!
I learned today (thanks Mike) that men can brestfeed!
Not only to they have nipples, obviously, but it's little known that benieth them reside mammory glands that actually can and have produced milk for nursing.
There was this one guy who was in a plane crash somewhere, and his wife died, and he breas-fed his infant until help arrived. There was another person who's wife died, and his infant wouldn't drink the bottled formula. He couldn't bare to see his kid crying all the time, so one day he tried offering his nipple [talk about comfortable with your sexuality] to his 16 month old, hoping that'd comfort her, and to his suprise.. he started lactating. So.. he's been breastfeeding her until she was old enought to eat solids.
Interesting huh? Numerous things cause men to lactate.. a few of those stimulants being a lot of stress at once, harsh physical activity, hormones being taken -- usually by men who have prostate cancer.. etc.
And on a random note.. Mike and I got a puppy Wednesday. We rescued it from a kill animal shelter.. oh my god I cried so hard while I was there, I never want to go to another shelter, esp. kill, again. But I am so happy with our new baby, she's the sweetest thing ever. We named her Peaches, she's about a 10mos old pit bull terrier, chow chow, labrador mix, who's solid black with a short, shiny, velvety coat.. and a big purple tounge.
We spoil her profusely. Unfortunately she was a stray found off the side of 287, who was previously neglected and underfed. She's a very picky eater.. we can't find any sorts of dog food that she'll eat, so since she's so underweight we've been feeding her what normal people would eat.. prettymuch.
Mike and I cook her food all the time. We cook her chop meat and rice, sometimes for breakfast I make her poached eggs, today she had a lot of ham and turkey that either Mike's or my family made for easter.
Haha, we must also take her on at least 7 walks a day, and that doesn't even count the hours we spend at a park or running around a backyard. She also sleeps with us at night, we tried leaving her in the kitchen but she cries, and we can't have her barking in our apartment at 3am.. so we cave in.
Yeah.. we're animal pushovers I guess.
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| Stealing kisses from the lepers faces. |
[08 Apr 2006|11:03am] |
I haven't slept at all last night
and it's now 11am.
oh how i miss this, and ignoring the shift key whilst typing
when i dont sleep i am not to be poked around at
as opposed to usual, I dont take shit when i havent slept.
i'm not cranky or pissy at all, i just dont have the patience for bullshit
and my anxiety problems go away too
now if only the people could disappear also
though i do get to see vikke today and i'm very excited, she's been pretty upset lately
it's not easy being a genius alcoholic
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| Yeah.. |
[20 Mar 2006|02:37pm] |
I'm um.. not dead.
Unfortunately.
Now, I'm sitting, waiting for a bullet in my head.
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| Random. |
[28 Dec 2005|08:23pm] |
Hahah, I found this relatively amusing. Read from the bottom, up, of course.
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| Propaganda poster. |
[24 Dec 2005|10:20am] |
I started this thismorning, it's not finished yet-- this is about 2 layers of paint in. I'll probably add about 3 or 4 more layers of more colors, and obviously shading. Because I only did the tones so far, it looks pretty bright. What do you think?
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| Written around the dried out flowers. |
[17 Dec 2005|05:31am] |
I haven't slept in 3 days.. 2 nights have passed without any sleep and I have a headache right now that could kill. My doctor perscribed me a bottle of Naproxen, which is some sort of anti-inflamatory medication, since I get tension headaches so often. Without a second thought I took 2 of them and 4 Excedrin Migraine not long ago because I felt like I was going to die, the pain in my head was so bad. It wasn't until just now that I looked at the bottle she gave me that said "Do not take more than 2 daily" on the regular white label, and then on a red label placed onto of that it warned "Do not take with anything containing ASPRIN (in bold), Ibuprofen, or Naproxen".
I feel a burning in my whole torso and strange pains keep running down my left arm. I felt a slight pang of fear when I first saw the label on thet bottle, but it was quickly masked by a feeling of unconcern for what may happen. I don't know, the worst that can happen is I probably get really sick or pass out --either way I'm sure it will be less worse than the headache I felt before taking anything.
Right now I'm watching the 'Holiday Cake-Off' on the food channel.. these cakes are amazing, I can't wait until I start going to culinary school. Last night Cait stayed over, I went through alot of my clothes and gave a good deal of them to her. She likes to dress up all the time so I know she'll appreciate them more than I would, I just mostly wear the same relatively simple things from day to day, and most of my clothes are put to little use.
Last night was very interesting, we talked and talked for hours all night. I wish I had spent more time with her before, but before I hadn't fully realized how strong of a person she actually is. I notice that I seldom bother or want go out and socialize with friends or other people, but it's because most of them I feel just as alone around, as I do when I actually am alone.. so I don't waste my time. Cait posesses alot of intelligence and a genuine concern for me, but what makes her so different from most of my other friends is that she has not given up like so many others seem to have. She has such a will in her to keep fighting to matter how futile it seems, and to keep doing good and helping others along with the balance of progressing herself.
Vikke and Monica, my only 2 other friends who are female.. I'm close to them, and I care greatly for both of them but at the same time they disappoint me on somewhat of a regular basis. Vikke still drinks so much and thinks absolutely nothing of it, though I am glad she's getting over her annorexia. She's absurdly intelligent but she's also so disgustingly apathetic at times that I simply can not relate to her at all. Monica I'm proud of how she's grown over the years, but she's still so confused about some things and what she wants to, even though she's starting to get things pulled together. She's keeping her life together, much like Vikke, but also much like Vikke.. she seems to be doing little more than that. They're both generally respectable people, good people, hard working people, but neither of them seem to really care about whats going on in the world and with others besides those in the small circle of people close to them. They seem pretty content to just accept things the way that they are.. and this is where I severely differ from them.
Cait, like myself, seems to not just accept all the injustice going on. I think she'd pretty much take anyone under her wing and try to help them like I do all the time. I'm not sure yet, as to how to make a big difference, but until then I fight for everything that comes my way. Every person, every animal, every problem, every starfish I will try to help. I find so far that the only difference between Cait and I in that respect, is that she knows how to perfectly balance her own well being while doing this, which is something I'm still learning. I feel confident though, that I will learn quickly now and soon start to move foward at an exhilerating, and possibly even astounding, rate.
She's got a good, straight head on her shoulders, and I don't feel as if I can go wrong keeping her as a close friend because we're both very strong people with a very strong will. I think that the two of us together means alot of success and fun in the process. Anyhow, the point is that I had never gotten a chance to realize how amazing she really is, until now, and I'm simply impressed and sort of excited.
Anyhow, if I'm not sick as hell in a little while, I'm going to pack up even more of my clothes that I don't really wear so I can give them away tomorrow. Then... then, I'm going to start throwing out old journals and trash nearly my whole drawer of sentimental stuff that I've kept over the years. Even the stuff that used to be Jims.
Yes, I'm even going to trash things relating to Jim.
Not only that, all my old art that I was never particularly happy about but kept anyway.. it's all going to be either given away or thrown out. Soon I'll only have some basic clothes that I love, my books, music and movies, art supplies, and some other more basic things. There's a bakery down the street I'm going to try like hell to get a job at, and as soon as I can I'm going to move out. Thats right, I'm getting out of this house and I will not feel bad for it.
I know I want to suffer when I see others suffering, I can not help but feel their pain intensely.. but nor can I let them slow me down. Change happens, one day all those whom I love will be dead, and I can not allow the fear of this to paralyze me because it happens regardless. For the rest of my life I'm going to be hurt, over and over again, and why is because I care and can not just accept how fucked up everything is, how inefficient, immoral, and disgusting things can be. There's only 3 things that I can do about this, I can become apathetic, I can kill myself, or I can keep fighting, and baby, I do not take 'no' for an answer, so I'd better start learning how to better deal with this pain and anguish, because I refuse to start to become apathetic, paralyzed by fear, hide, or become demoralized.
I'm not entirely sure as to why I can't sleep. I suspect it may have to do with Rob, but I don't feel much pain about what happened. I have not cried over him or felt any remorse in anything thats happened, good or bad, and actually felt liberated in a way. I don't think this feeling of liberation is because he's gone, but moreso what everything that's been happening has made me realize. It's the knowledge that I've been gaining lately that has been liberating, and for that I am grateful, which is why I don't think I feel much pain.
My heart still currently belongs to him, but I don't feel a need to talk to him or see him in order to still care for him and allow him to continue to make me happy. I think I love him, and why I say that is because I feel no posession. I do not have an obsession to keep him, if you love something you really do set it free, he flew away and if that's what truely makes him happy then I won't try to grab onto him and pull him back to a place where he'd prefer not to be. Perhaps one day he'll come back, and that would make me happy, but I don't think he'd ever do that, and its ok because I find comfort in simply knowing that in the world a person like him exists, continues to execute his will, and will one day amaze us all. This random lady at a bus stop once randomly told me Rob loves me, which really caught me off guard. I didn't quite believe it because he claims to not believe in love and can't even speak the word, but it was strange nonetheless, not to mention she didn't know either of us, but if nothing else.. her encounter was a very interesting experience.
I ordered chinese tonight and it was quite good. I got General Tso's fried bean curd and had vegitable dumplings, purchased the book 'Running with Scissors', but then became quite ill with my headache and now can't do much besides sit around and write. I'm thinking that once I find a bakery that's definately hiring, I'm going to refuse taking no for an answer.. and prove to them that I'm well fitted for the job. And now, a pair of Fallout2 quotes.
" People beyond the Great Bridge, which seperates our town from the rest of the world, seem to find immense satisfaction in collecting scraps and leavings from before the great fires. Somehow, this link to the past gives them comfort. We are different in that we gain our happiness from forging new beginnings and we can our security in relying upon our abilities, rather than things from a time gone by. However, for all that, to travel the world one must adopt, to some degree, the ways and objects of those who make their homes there. The things of the past may poison your soul if you rely upon them-- but because they will help you survive, they are needed.".
And for humor purposes..
"I won! Fuck you! You are dumb! Now I can build an even better deck with your cards!" - wooz.
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| Too hard to say them each way I turn. |
[29 Nov 2005|10:48am] |
The layout makes sense now, the empty spaces contrasting the overwhelming, allowing the meaning to seep through pictures cut out into voids.
I feel so ugly today that I'm sure I must be doing something right. I've never felt more foreign, not even to myself.
Immesurable by my senses and irreducible by my understanding, beyond the inherent possibilities of our species.. a poem springs from the juxtaposition. Some artists can find courage because beauty makes them oblivious to the obstacles the world places in the way of their dreams.
I'm dying-- so to speak, by leaving the everyday world today. We put one foot infront of the other, and we have gone.
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| Have I said too much? Should I err on the side of cryptic and esoteric explanations? |
[29 Nov 2005|09:35am] |
It was a very long time, and what guarentees this is the fact that I've been listening to the same 2 minute, ambient composure, on a loop ... for the past 7 hours or more.
7(60/2)= 210 times I've listened to this song tonight, at least.
I never found it strange that I could see ether all the time, infact, when I pay attention to its presence I feel so less alone and empty. My head feels strangely clear right now, not only mentally but physically, as if nothing is being forced in or out.. its simply there.
I don't want to be bothered or touched right now. I'm covered in charcoal and my bones are sticking out.
Rapture.
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| I don't know where I begin and where you end. |
[29 Nov 2005|09:07am] |
Look at us, we're beautiful. All the people push and pull but they'll never get inside, we've got too much to hide. From time to time I find our lost that was urgent, I need .. it's no joke. To myself, I don't believe. And I have never met anyone quite like you before. Never know, but nothing less, couldn't see that I have guessed. Two simple places we want to go, two things we want to know. I know how it rains, and I could never feel this way for anyone but you. So it takes some time, slip away. I never ever leave this place.
Rain pushes buildings aside.
Once I had my heros, my dreams, but all of that has changed now and the truth begins again. The truth is not that comfortable, no. Mother taught us patience, the virtues of restraint. A friend of mine once told me, his one and only aim. To build a giant castle, and on it, sign his name. When they tell me that there's nothing, I say, aren't you in chains that no one else can see? Let the water creep over your face and I'll send it in waves just to watch you perform the great escape. How long can you hold your breath, while you hold mine again and wait?
There's a hopeless place inside my heart, when I look inside I see where we are. Like the whispering wind ontop of the trees, I'm watching the sky come following me. I feel it inside like a place I can feel but never will see, like the hope I have for us every time. Let the whispers come touch you, touch everything. I stand in the way of everything that I can be.
Like the whispering wind, you stand here with me.
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|
Poverty is the schoolmaster of character. |
[27 Nov 2005|06:03pm] |
I had a rather lovely, interesting weekend, and a quite amusing thanksgiving. I got home though, started sifting through the mail I got while gone... credit card BS, Peta stickers, mail from my bank, .... a subpoena? A SUBPOENA?!? And I haven't even the slightest clue as to what I need to go for, it's kind of stressing me out. I was thinking it's sort of good that I didn't stay in Bayonne longer and came home when I did, because it was sent pretty last minute-- I've got to go this Monday. I can only imagine the serious bullshit that'd fly if I didn't see it until it was too late and never showed. Strange that it doesn't mention why I have to go to court, is that normal?
Thanksgiving was pretty awesome, not because it was Thanksgiving [personally I have no taste for the holiday] but moreso because the series of events that day were either pretty amusing or amazing. Rob and I went to his sensei's for dinner around 4, wound up trying to uncork a 'moderately' expensive bottle of wine with screws and all sort of other weird things, sensei spilled some of it on his wife's white tablecloth, then we ate some food which I actually enjoyed quite a bit, played with a seriously beastly looking little mutt that I thought was too cute, yelled at a broken computer, looked at some pictures, watched sensei do a rather humorous impersonation, and eventually went home. Probably my favorite little conversation snippet from the night (besides the comments on the SS troops):
Sensei-- "The strainer"
Wife-- "Get you olives?"
Sensei-- "The strainer"
Wife--"A straw?"
Sensei-- "STRAINER"
Wife--"What?"
Sensei-- "Nevermind, I'll get it myself."
I didn't really do too much yesterday once I got home. I was too tired and was feeling far too content to really concentrate on anything else besides how lucky and complete I felt. All I wanted to do was snuggle up under the covers with my cat and appreciate what I have right now, and that's exactly what I did. I still feel like shit, I'm still a miserable person, I've got so many ghosts and goddamned problems, I still worry and am depressed about so much, but ... I found something that means alot to me, so much that .. I'm minding less and less, the other problems that I have. I know that, the pain that I feel about certain things will never go away, but now I'm gaining the strength to carry these things with me and not want to end my life at the same time.
Thismorning I went to HH Playhouse with my family, it was alright. I wound up at my aunt's house afterwards, somewhere around 5ish. I expected to only be there an hour or 2 but got stuck there until 10:30 at night, so I spent a good portion of that time kicking back some German beer [Spaten] and talking with my uncle. He said alot of very important and inspiring things, I was glad we had that conversation because it made me think about alot.
Oh man am I stressed out about being unemployed at the moment, it's really bothering me. Starting from the moment I wake up tomorrow, its going to be time to kick trying to find a job into overtime. I have a plan, two actually, but whatever. Anyhow, for both things there's a limited time frame, and getting them accomplished in time is very important to me, so I'm actually feeling really stressed out at the moment about my monetary situation, or lack there of. Even if I find a job tomorrow, I'm not sure if I'll even make it in time so .... I've decided that I'm going to sell "SIM" (the androgynous watercolor portait I did a couple years ago that's always meant so much to me). There's a picture of it on here with the rest of my pictures if you still don't know which one I'm talking about. Selling 'him' should prettymuch make me ok for now, as long as I can find another good buyer. Last year this lady saw it and offered me $500 for it, but I loved it so much, it's one of my best works and has alot of meaning behind it, that I just couldn't part with it for money. Now that I actually really want to do something I need money for however, something that means alot to me, things are sort of different now. We'll see what happens, I have some other art I can sell if I don't make enough on SIM alone.
[sigh]. I'm exhausted, it's 2am, I'll finish writing later.
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| premier. |
[13 Nov 2005|02:31am] |
|
... verbal penetration.
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| nobody cares somehow... |
[12 Nov 2005|06:13am] |
da vinci, you disgustingly brilliant man, my envy draws hatred towards you
anyhow, why is is that i have such a lust for knowledge yet so little faith in school
perhaps i cant bare to tolerate the bullshit, not just of the professors but students especially
i much prefer my solitary confinement with a good book, the company of text alone is more than enough satisfaction
i just want to get to the point, get straight to the facts, please spare me the dramatics of whatever the hell else you feel inclined to share with me meanwhile
thismorning yr slutty wife fucked the milkman and yr late to class because you were informed by the police that yr lawyer OD'd, and you already payed him an insane amount of money
so yr stressed out and so we have to give you a few momnents before the lesson begins?
*yawn*, i should've stayed in bed thismorning, faggot
one of the students in yr other lectures did what yesterday? that has nothing to do with hermann heiss, why the fuck are you telling me this?
oh, my beloved fellow classmate, you didnt get a chance to study enough for our final exam because you were too busy running around campus naked, and now you need help.. the going rate is 72 bucks, asswipe.
i'd like to make it clear that i love people, and they will fascinate me until the end of time
again and again i will go out of my way to help someone and ask nothing in return
but let me clarify that this in no way means that i want to spend time with you or deal with you, unless we are in some way working on teaching you how to wipe yr own ass for a change
..unless im merely observing from a safe distance
seriously, my love and understanding for you is limitless, but the respect is dwindling hardcore
everyone has something beautiful about them, something to give back to society, so just please shut the fuck up and make yr goddamned fingerpaintings already, so america doesnt look completely useless and pathetic
the only people i actually respect posess either strength, or understanding
everyone's got the potential for both, why these 2 are such rare traits to find in a person bewilders me
i think the conclusion is.. i am simply a sucker.
</rant>
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| keep on running, it's a long way home. |
[09 Nov 2005|08:30pm] |
why is it that i have such severe empathy? why, no matter how disgusted, appauled, or frustrated i become, i can never lose hope in others
i will never fail to see the amazing in the most seemingly opposite, i will never give up or lose sight
never can i ever stop feeling emotions on what seems to be two thousand times the normal level of others
and it seriously beats me down, but you can count on me to stand back up again, bloody stumps or nothing at all
sometimes i want to crawl away from everything, shut everything off, and spit out my severe contempt for the world, but that only ever lasts a few moments when this occurs
it's as if beauty's holding me captive, and begs me to suffer with her
how can i resist? impossible, thus i surrender my life to her, give her my happiness instead of holding it for myself
no matter now much of a ghost i become, never do i feel its undeserved or in vain when i give all that i have left
i went outside earlier, for a cigarette, and there was an old lady on the corner
paying little attention to her, i stewed with a plethora of thoughts inside my head
the bus came, and just before she got on, she turned to me and said something that coincided perfectly with what i was bothered over-- she gave me an answer
one sentance i recieved, one... astoundingly accurate, concise, uncannily errie statement that set everything in stone
it was something she couldnt have possible ever known through mere observation
then she turned away, the bus dissappeared, and she was gone
four words
four words, and a facial expression that breathed absolute knowledge and confidence in her carefully chosen words.
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| dear you |
[26 Oct 2005|03:40am] |
maddness is swarming over my thoughts and my head is spinning
i believe i'm going to wind up hunched over the toilet soon
this isnt even an exaggeration or word play, my stomach is literally trying to invert itself, and the urge to regurgitate my insides is overwhelming
i wish i could find a thermometer, i swear i have a fever
my need to escape my house and be somewhere comfortable right now is making me want to cry
it hurts just to move my eyes, but it feels worse when i lay in bed
all the music playing on every channel of tv right now is shit, and its irritating my last nerve
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| and their kids were all hippie chicks, hypocrites. |
[25 Oct 2005|09:34pm] |
since i woke up today i've been on a cleaning rampage
it's physical cleaning of the house and such but i know its
also metaphorical [is that a word? i dont care] because im rather disgusted with myself
but disgusted in a romantic, storybook sort of way where i can hear the words
of a frustrated novelist being punched onto a clean white page, narrating every single
move that i make and idea or comment that pops into my head,
all my actions and facial expressions desperately being pulled into imaginary strings of text
a book on an intangible tape that only i have the privilege of listening to
my anxiety's been acting up the past couple days, maybe it's because ive been sick?
i'm not quite sure but im starting to get those flighty attacks again
perhaps thats why im going crazy cleaning my house, its foreshadowing that i'm subconsciously planning on locking myself away from the rest of the world once more
so say yr goodbyes now, because this girl is here and gone
fiuorescein: you're awfully nosey
est sui generis: well i am polish 8).
fiuorescein: hahahaha
est sui generis: and if you want to call concern being nosey then i have no problem acting indifferent towards whats up with you ;0.
fiuorescein: just not used to it
est sui generis: thats unfortunate.
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| her fingers gripping tight. |
[21 Oct 2005|08:51am] |
undernieth the veil,
i just told mark a secret ive been withholding in agony since the beginning of the year
because hes the only one i trust and care about enough out of everyone that knew him..
trust enough to understand where i was comming from,
and care enough about to face, if i was dreadfully wrong
anguish is plaguing me, so im chainsmoking, terribly
to get this off my chest.. it doesnt feel good, simply veracious
a swirl of senselessness, cozy emptiness
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| yr playing games of sin. |
[21 Oct 2005|08:25am] |
light sea
color intoxication
mirror gloss, sound and smoke
visions from sweat, rhythm and time passes completely as in dreams
here the sun always continues showing up so i dance
simply... marvelously... wonderfully...
super and beautifully, super and madly
wonderfully madly...
everythings gone through and around me, the reason i can do no more
i feel lonely and empty
then the sun continues showing up again
and i dance...
simply, dance.
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infandebula's journal